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Hi Everybody,
It’s been ages since I’ve written. The more time that passes, the more I get behind in sharing news. Until I just decided to skip everything that has happened since I last wrote October 6.
We returned home (to Kenya) on November 17/18. Takes about 36 hours of traveling, waiting in airports to get back here. The last few days, the kids were asking me to move up our tickets to they could get home sooner. We were home sick in a very good way.
My sister Debra traveled with us and spent 2 weeks with us. Her husband and 2 little girls, Grace is almost 6 and Greta is almost 1, managed without her. She hasn’t been to Africa since my family visited me in Tanzania when she was 18. I think she found Nairobi much easier than the village I lived in then. We worked hard to get my bags unpacked, and ourselves settled before she left. We even had time to do some shopping and site seeing. She fed giraffes, pet baby elephants, and went on a game drive. We showed her the hangar, Java House and our church. We even made it out to Rift Valley Academy and attended our missions Spiritual Life Conference.
The Lord (and insightful friends) helped me realize that I will not be able to Home School in our immediate future. Caleb and Levi have been enrolled into West Nairobi School (WNS) starting in January. WNS is a Christian School that teaches according to the US school systems. Caleb is in 2nd grade and Levi is in Kindergarten. They were able to visit their classrooms before the school closed for Christmas break and loved it.
Seth and Chloe are on a waiting list to start pre-school in January at Logos. Logos is a Kenyan Christian School where many of my friends have sent their pre-schoolers and spoke highly of. I am confident they will both be accepted. They will be attending 3 mornings a week.
God has brought our Christmas plans together better than I had hoped. I was anxious about this first big holiday without daddy. And the closer we get to Christmas, the more we are expressing our homesickness for daddy. The Sunday before Christmas we are enjoying a turkey and ham dinner with all the fixings and good friends. On December 22 we fly to the coast for a week at the beach. Wanza, our beloved house-help, sent her husband and son to families house with out her. She will be coming with us on our vacation for the first time. I need to ask her if she has ever flown before. We will be staying at a 3 bedroom cottage with other friends, the Hamilton’s. The kids are getting pretty excited.
But going to the beach is something we always did with daddy. And the kids only remember our staying at Amani Acres. Caleb is mourning that we won’t be staying there this time. So I am anticipating that we will be having some ups and downs.
I am exhausted. After not feeling well for 2 ½ weeks, I finally went to the Doctor and was diagnosed with a kidney infection. I should be finished with my course of antibiotics when we leave for the beach. It was a relief to find out there was a reason for how I felt. I am hoping I have some more energy when we get back.
I’ve found that since we started having sit down dinners as a family, things have smoothed out. Our evening routine is finding it’s new normal without daddy. The more routines we can re-establish, the better for our family. When we first began this journey of grief, we were more volatile and each only seeing our own selves. With each of the 5 of us grieving our own individual ways, life was chaotic. But we are starting to be more perceptive of each other’s grief. And helping each other grieve with more compassion. We still each experience melt downs or just the need to cry but we are not where were 4 months ago. We can’t stay where we are, we need to keep walking. This is different than ‘moving on’. There is no moving on that I can see. This will always be a part of our lives, this missing Ryan. We deeply hurt, all the more because of how much we loved him and he loved us. I find that I yearn for him much more than I miss him. I can pretend that he is at work or running errands. Chloe pretends that he is taking a nap or sleeping in. But eventually the pretending catches up with us, and we fall apart and freshly feel our loss again.
I’ve learned so much about grief. I have great books on grief that maybe someday I will have the stamina and concentration to read. But God has taught me so much more about grief through first hand experience than I could have ever learned any other way. I wonder if the God of the Universe became exhausted during his separation from his son while Christ was on the cross. Not exhaustion in a human sense, but that soul wrenching tiredness that comes from separation from a much loved one. My doctrine may not make sense, but I know how I feel and I know what God is teaching me.
For our immediate future, we are on compassionate leave until August 1 2010. Most missionaries who take a compassionate leave, take the leave in their home country. We did take 10 weeks to visit the states and see many of you. But for the rest of our leave, we needed to come home. During this time, we will continue to heal and walk through this shadowy place.
I need to have an addendum added to Chloe’s current home study. The addendum needs to reflect that our home has lost its husband and daddy. Our Kenyan adoption was competed on June 19. For which I continue to say Hallelujah! But we were still working to complete the paperwork and gather documents for Chloe to become a US citizen. The social worker here in Kenya knows that the US Embassy has a deadline on our paperwork of March 2010. God took Ryan before we could get this done. God also knows of the steps we need to take to get this all done.
We plan to have all the paperwork in order by June of 2010 and return to the USA for a much needed 12 month Home Assignment (HA) in our home country. AIM has it set up that if missionaries finish a 2 year term then they can remain on support for a 4 month HA in their home country. A 3 year term means an 8 month HA. Our term will be 4 years and 3 months by the time we reach the USA. No wonder we are tired.
During this time of compassionate leave, I can look into ministry opportunities that will allow us to stay with AIM in Africa. Mostly we are seeking God’s will for what he has next for us. I am not expected to start any ministry until we have finished our HA and return to Kenya in June of 2011. I have my Kenyan Nursing License which is a big plus. I’ve inquired about being a school nurse at Rift Valley Acedemy (RVA) which is an hour outside of Nairobi. I’ve shared with the administration at RVA that I am interested in moving to the RVA campus in July of 2011. The kids will all be school age by then and able to attend school. We would have our own house on campus. The kids can walk to class and I can walk to work.
Over the years of our marriage, Ryan and I talked about what the other should do if something happened to one of us. We wanted our family to remain with AIM in Africa. Both of us were missionaries with AIM before we met. And until God moves us to a new place, we wanted to stay. The months just previous to the accident, we dreamt of moving to RVA when the kids were all school age. Ryan would be involved with maintenance of vehicles or building and grounds. And I would be a school nurse.
Knowing these dreams and each others wishes, it’s easy for me to see us at RVA. At this time RVA knows of our desire but it is too far into the future for them to fore see the staffing needs of Student health. They also can’t know if they will have housing. But so much can change in a year and a half. I have permission to share this opportunity with you so that you can pray for us.
God has brought to mind several other ministry possibilities for us in Nairobi that I have not had time to look into yet. And I might look outside of Kenya as well. My priority is to make sure my kids school needs are being met since Home Schooling will be impossible if I am in full time ministry. Along with that, I am protective of the family time we have in the mornings and the evenings. I want to work hard at the job I will be in, but have energy when I return home to be emotionally present with my kids around the supper table and bedtime.
God knew our families needs and desires when he took Ryan home. He can meet all our needs in his good time.
Our Calender as I see it now.
December 22-29 we are at the beach on a family vacation
January 12, Caleb and Levi begin school at WNS.
March 1, we need to have Chloe’s Home Study completed and turned into the US Embassy
The week before Easter is spring break and we have invited some of Ryan’s family to come for a visit.
Dawn’s to do list:
Write a prayer letter soon.
Gather a list of documents for our Social worker and be available for her to interview us as she writes the addendum
Look into future ministry opportunities
Get a new suspension, tires, and muffler for our van
Get away for a few days on my own for a spiritual retreat.
Be emotionally, not just physically available at Breakfast time, dinner time, and bedtime.
Have some special times with Seth and Chloe while the older boys are at school.
Prayer Points
Please pray for stamina for all the kids when they start attending school. And for wisdom for me in how to encourage them to stay the course when they get sick of it after a few weeks.
Thank the Lord for an opportunity to spend Christmas with good friends at the beach.
Please pray for our social worker and myself as we work together to get this addendum written in a timely manner.
Thank the Lord that Caleb and Levi were accepted into WNS.
Pray for the time, energy, and inclination to look into other ministries. I feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to process all of this.
Thank the Lord for our friends.
One has taken on Wednesday nights. She comes over after dinner and helps with baths and bedtime. Then we either chat or watch a movie together.
Another friend is taking the kids to their house for dinner on Monday nights, giving me alone time in my house.
Still another family saves us seats on Sunday mornings and sits with us, allowing me to absorb more of the service.
Many wives have willingly lent their husbands to do odd jobs around the house that Ryan used to take care of.
Please pray for our circle of friends, that they will have their own circle of people supporting them so that their own needs are met.
Merry Christmas,
Dawn, Caleb, Levi, Seth, And Chloe
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Head's Up
Hi Friends,
I am working on an email update that I will also post on my blog. For those of you on Face Book, I update my status almost every day. It's an easier way to stay connected than trying to blog. So look me up and send me a friend requst.
To find me, look for
Dawn Nienhuis Williams
My maiden name surely narrows down the search!
Merry Christmas
Dawn
I am working on an email update that I will also post on my blog. For those of you on Face Book, I update my status almost every day. It's an easier way to stay connected than trying to blog. So look me up and send me a friend requst.
To find me, look for
Dawn Nienhuis Williams
My maiden name surely narrows down the search!
Merry Christmas
Dawn
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Trick or Treating
We are having a great weekend in Wausau with Dean, Sarah, Sam, Elle, and Jack. We went trick or treating this afternoon, it was slightly snowing. Caleb and Levi played in a light layer of snow this morning and were sad when it melted. Levi couldn't believe that all he had to do was ring a door bell of a house and people filled his bucket with candy. Chloe won't stop asking me "please, can I have a piece of candy". Only she says it so fast it sounds like one word.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
First half of October
Hi Everybody,
I have not added new email addresses to my list in a while. So if you are forwarding my updates to folks who don’t receive them, please continue to do so.
I am working through Psalm 23. When I have time, I like to journal and reading David’s words to our God, fills my soul. If you have poems, commentaries, or quotes about Psalm 23, please send them to me. And there is a recent contemporary Christian artist who sings the Psalm to a tune I have stuck in my head. If you know of it, please tell me.
Last week, this week, and next week.
October 1 was Chloe’s 3rd Birthday, we celebrated numerous times. And we flew from NC to NY. Pearl River NY is the location of AIM’s US Sending Office. We spent a long weekend being spoiled by AIMers in the office. They have hospitality suites right at their location that we stayed in.
October 2, My kids were completely occupied, entertained, and cared for by terrific ladies. I spent the morning visiting offices, completing paperwork related to this huge change in our lives. I have to close our checking account and open a new one. I completed the forms for receiving Ryan’s life insurance. I turned in receipts for reimbursement from Ryan’s Memorial Fund. I debriefed with someone from Member Care. I talked with logistics about buying a generator to keep our house lit in Kenya which is struggling with power outages several days a week. I went out for lunch with Ruth and then walked through IKEA.
October 3, My children were whisked away first thing in the morning and I slept in til 11 am. Then at 2 pm I was whisked away to a spa, and pampered myself. I was so relaxed at the end of the day. After putting the kids to bed, I went to a friend’s house for a visit.
October 4, the kids went to a park to play. I went to Nyack State Park and walked around for 1 ½ hours. This is where Ryan proposed to me 9 years ago. It was nice to visit it again. Then we flew to MI to stay at my parents.
October 5, the kids played outside almost the whole day on Babu’s (my dad) go-carts, garden tractor, and little jeep. My mom did laundry the whole day. And I walked through almost every aisle of Meijer. I love grocery stores. They are so relaxing to me. That night Diane (my sister) and I went shoe shopping.
October 6, I am meeting with 3 pastors to finalize the memorial service for Saturday. It’s at my parents church here in Holland. And I’m getting a haircut.
October 7-9, More of the same will probably be happening.
October 10 is our final memorial service for Ryan. I am ready to be finished but I’m glad we did it 3 times in 3 different locations.
Dean and Sarah (brother and his wife) will be here for the weekend with their 3 kids. And Dale and Celeste will be flying in for the weekend. Twill be a full house!
How am I?
How many of you skipped the calendar and started reading here? I don’t blame you.
I grieved and mourned a lot the month of August in Kenya. Since we have been in the states, I would say I am only coping. It’s been stressful. As many missionaries have written me and pointed out, just visiting the states in incredibly stressful. But to do it without my spouse, compounds all of it. We had a good month in September but we traveled A LOT!
And October in MI is just as busy. I know that friends and family in the states are stuck in their grief until they see me and the kids without Ryan. That is why we made this trip, to make it real for people and to bring some closure. But it has also stunted my grief process. In a way I’ve had to pause in my walk through this valley and let people catch up. That’s been hard. After this final memorial service, I plan to start walking again, slowly. Sunday will be a day of rest with my family (Ryan’s parents included). And on Monday I get to fall apart. I’ve been counting the days until Tiffany and I go on our retreat. Often I think, if I can just hold it together until then.
Monday October 12 I start an in depth retreat for 5 nights and 6 days. Monday I drive to GR, and have counseling. Then I pick Tiffany up from the airport and we drive an hour to our secluded luxury cottage. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we continue to receive counseling and solitude. I really miss Tiffany and can’t wait to see her. I need this safe place to let down my guard and grieve. I need to be away from my kids for a week and not have parenting responsibilities. My mom and dad are taking care of my kids. Tiffany’s mom and dad are taking care of her 4 kids.
On Saturday I want to show Tiffany around where I grew up and then bring her back to the airport. I hope I am ready to take on my mantel of responsibilities by then.
Thanks for praying,
I am trying to compile a list of those who gave to us personally, outside of the memorial fund.
If you gave something to me, could you remind me, through email.
Thanks Dawn
I have not added new email addresses to my list in a while. So if you are forwarding my updates to folks who don’t receive them, please continue to do so.
I am working through Psalm 23. When I have time, I like to journal and reading David’s words to our God, fills my soul. If you have poems, commentaries, or quotes about Psalm 23, please send them to me. And there is a recent contemporary Christian artist who sings the Psalm to a tune I have stuck in my head. If you know of it, please tell me.
Last week, this week, and next week.
October 1 was Chloe’s 3rd Birthday, we celebrated numerous times. And we flew from NC to NY. Pearl River NY is the location of AIM’s US Sending Office. We spent a long weekend being spoiled by AIMers in the office. They have hospitality suites right at their location that we stayed in.
October 2, My kids were completely occupied, entertained, and cared for by terrific ladies. I spent the morning visiting offices, completing paperwork related to this huge change in our lives. I have to close our checking account and open a new one. I completed the forms for receiving Ryan’s life insurance. I turned in receipts for reimbursement from Ryan’s Memorial Fund. I debriefed with someone from Member Care. I talked with logistics about buying a generator to keep our house lit in Kenya which is struggling with power outages several days a week. I went out for lunch with Ruth and then walked through IKEA.
October 3, My children were whisked away first thing in the morning and I slept in til 11 am. Then at 2 pm I was whisked away to a spa, and pampered myself. I was so relaxed at the end of the day. After putting the kids to bed, I went to a friend’s house for a visit.
October 4, the kids went to a park to play. I went to Nyack State Park and walked around for 1 ½ hours. This is where Ryan proposed to me 9 years ago. It was nice to visit it again. Then we flew to MI to stay at my parents.
October 5, the kids played outside almost the whole day on Babu’s (my dad) go-carts, garden tractor, and little jeep. My mom did laundry the whole day. And I walked through almost every aisle of Meijer. I love grocery stores. They are so relaxing to me. That night Diane (my sister) and I went shoe shopping.
October 6, I am meeting with 3 pastors to finalize the memorial service for Saturday. It’s at my parents church here in Holland. And I’m getting a haircut.
October 7-9, More of the same will probably be happening.
October 10 is our final memorial service for Ryan. I am ready to be finished but I’m glad we did it 3 times in 3 different locations.
Dean and Sarah (brother and his wife) will be here for the weekend with their 3 kids. And Dale and Celeste will be flying in for the weekend. Twill be a full house!
How am I?
How many of you skipped the calendar and started reading here? I don’t blame you.
I grieved and mourned a lot the month of August in Kenya. Since we have been in the states, I would say I am only coping. It’s been stressful. As many missionaries have written me and pointed out, just visiting the states in incredibly stressful. But to do it without my spouse, compounds all of it. We had a good month in September but we traveled A LOT!
And October in MI is just as busy. I know that friends and family in the states are stuck in their grief until they see me and the kids without Ryan. That is why we made this trip, to make it real for people and to bring some closure. But it has also stunted my grief process. In a way I’ve had to pause in my walk through this valley and let people catch up. That’s been hard. After this final memorial service, I plan to start walking again, slowly. Sunday will be a day of rest with my family (Ryan’s parents included). And on Monday I get to fall apart. I’ve been counting the days until Tiffany and I go on our retreat. Often I think, if I can just hold it together until then.
Monday October 12 I start an in depth retreat for 5 nights and 6 days. Monday I drive to GR, and have counseling. Then I pick Tiffany up from the airport and we drive an hour to our secluded luxury cottage. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday we continue to receive counseling and solitude. I really miss Tiffany and can’t wait to see her. I need this safe place to let down my guard and grieve. I need to be away from my kids for a week and not have parenting responsibilities. My mom and dad are taking care of my kids. Tiffany’s mom and dad are taking care of her 4 kids.
On Saturday I want to show Tiffany around where I grew up and then bring her back to the airport. I hope I am ready to take on my mantel of responsibilities by then.
Thanks for praying,
I am trying to compile a list of those who gave to us personally, outside of the memorial fund.
If you gave something to me, could you remind me, through email.
Thanks Dawn
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Our Week in Florida
We are in Florida this week. Last weekend, we stayed with Tiffany and her kids. She is the wife of the pilot, Frank, who was killed. We attended a memorial service for Frank on Saturday. It hit me harder than I anticipated. I think I was over confident that I can handle it. I sobbed during the video tribute, thinking of all that Tiffany and I had lost. It was good to feel safe enough to cry.
On Monday the kids and I drove to the Orlando area and are staying with our friends, Rich and Sue Williamson, and their 3 kids. They have a pool! Oh joy for my kids. It is hot and humid here and they were sick of sitting in the car. After a good swim yesterday, they slept good last night.
Tuesday afternoon (today) I am meeting with Pastor Jim Wadley from our church to go over the plans for Ryan’s memorial service. The service will be this Saturday at First Baptist Church of Oviedo. This is the church that Ryan and I became members of when we lived here our first year of marriage. That was a good year and being back in the area brings back lots of good memories. I attended seminary while Ryan worked at a hangar in Sanford gaining experience as an airplane mechanic. Caleb was born here. This is our sending church.
Wednesday my 2 sisters fly in from MI. Diane and Debra are coming specifically to help with the kids. Debra left her husband and 2 kids behind. Diane got off from work just for me.
Thursday we go to Disney! Magic Kingdom here we come. I figure that Diane, Debra and I can handle 4 kids and have a good time. The tickets are a gift from friends as well as the hotel we will be staying at from Wednesday to Sunday.
Friday, we recover from Disney and play by the pool. My parents and my brother Dean are flying in from MI. We are looking forward to having our immediate family together plus my 4 kids. Dean’s wife Sarah stayed in WI with their 3 kids.
Ryan’s parents, his 2 sisters and their families will be staying in FL for the weekend with Ryan’s grandma.
Saturday at 11 am we have Ryan’s Memorial Service at First Baptist followed by a luncheon. If your coming, please stay for lunch. I heard we will be eating well. And this gives me a chance to say hi to people.
Sunday all of my family flies back to MI. Monday, I drive with my in laws back to NC.
So that is my week at a glance.
How are we?
Tired. We haven’t even been in the States a full 3 weeks yet and we are busy traveling all over the place. It would be overwhelming for us under normal conditions (Ryan still here). But on top of our grief, it is often too much. Ryan and I were a great team. I packed up the suitcases in an organized fashion. And he packed the van, knowing what needed to be easily available for me. He was always willing to pull out a bag or get something out of the cooler for me. Always for me in a way that made me feel special, at least most of the time. We did have our bickering moments too!
Now it’s all on me. On Monday, it took me almost 3 hours to fold the clean laundry, pack the suitcases, and load the van.
And when Ryan and I went on road trips, I read the map and gave him directions. He trusted me with this. He drove and I handled the kids needs as we drove.
Now I am driving, following directions from MapQuest and a tomtom, pumping gas at the service stations, keeping the kids happy meals straight, disciplining in the car, etc. Caleb has been good at getting the DVD player going for the kids in the back seat, and handing out snacks and juice cups. But by the time we get to our destination, unload the car, play in the pool, eat, bedtime, I am exhausted.
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I am tired. The kids are tired. We are all dealing with underlying anger that breaks out in melt downs and short tempers. It’s not pretty, and it’s not normal. I keep hoping and praying it is only for a season and then we will establish a new normal.
I am asking more of all the kids. Seth (4) and Chloe (almost 3) need to be more patient and wait for mommy to finish what she is doing before she can get their snack or juice cup. Caleb (8) and Levi (6) are learning to roll their suitcases and help me unload the car. I’m trying not to add responsibilities that they are capable of all at once, just slowly, but they don’t have the energy to be more helpful as they did before.
Realizing that all of this is normal for grieving families is not all that comforting to me. I know how good we were as a family before the accident. And I want it back. I don’t like to see my kids melting down over little things that they would have shrugged off 2 months ago. When it happens in the grocery story, I want to tell people around me that they just lost their father and that my kids don’t usually act like this. I know I could tell people our news, but even that is tiring.
Something else I am struggling with is that I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring on Valentine’s Day this year. Ryan was going to replace it. But if he can’t pick out a new diamond for me, then I don’t want one. But I miss wearing my wedding ring. I want to take it a jeweler in MI and see if we can take the prongs out and make it into some kind of wedding band. I am wearing Ryan’s wedding band on my necklace. It’s hanging next to my pendant that has all my kids birthstones set in it. I wear it every day. But I want people to be able to look down at my left hand and see a wedding band. My husband didn’t leave me with 4 kids, he died. And that is a big comfort that I want strangers to realize. I still feel married. But I am a single mom.
Well that felt good to write, I realize these emails turn out very personal but people’s response is positive. So if I am able, I will let you see into my heart about certain things.
On Monday the kids and I drove to the Orlando area and are staying with our friends, Rich and Sue Williamson, and their 3 kids. They have a pool! Oh joy for my kids. It is hot and humid here and they were sick of sitting in the car. After a good swim yesterday, they slept good last night.
Tuesday afternoon (today) I am meeting with Pastor Jim Wadley from our church to go over the plans for Ryan’s memorial service. The service will be this Saturday at First Baptist Church of Oviedo. This is the church that Ryan and I became members of when we lived here our first year of marriage. That was a good year and being back in the area brings back lots of good memories. I attended seminary while Ryan worked at a hangar in Sanford gaining experience as an airplane mechanic. Caleb was born here. This is our sending church.
Wednesday my 2 sisters fly in from MI. Diane and Debra are coming specifically to help with the kids. Debra left her husband and 2 kids behind. Diane got off from work just for me.
Thursday we go to Disney! Magic Kingdom here we come. I figure that Diane, Debra and I can handle 4 kids and have a good time. The tickets are a gift from friends as well as the hotel we will be staying at from Wednesday to Sunday.
Friday, we recover from Disney and play by the pool. My parents and my brother Dean are flying in from MI. We are looking forward to having our immediate family together plus my 4 kids. Dean’s wife Sarah stayed in WI with their 3 kids.
Ryan’s parents, his 2 sisters and their families will be staying in FL for the weekend with Ryan’s grandma.
Saturday at 11 am we have Ryan’s Memorial Service at First Baptist followed by a luncheon. If your coming, please stay for lunch. I heard we will be eating well. And this gives me a chance to say hi to people.
Sunday all of my family flies back to MI. Monday, I drive with my in laws back to NC.
So that is my week at a glance.
How are we?
Tired. We haven’t even been in the States a full 3 weeks yet and we are busy traveling all over the place. It would be overwhelming for us under normal conditions (Ryan still here). But on top of our grief, it is often too much. Ryan and I were a great team. I packed up the suitcases in an organized fashion. And he packed the van, knowing what needed to be easily available for me. He was always willing to pull out a bag or get something out of the cooler for me. Always for me in a way that made me feel special, at least most of the time. We did have our bickering moments too!
Now it’s all on me. On Monday, it took me almost 3 hours to fold the clean laundry, pack the suitcases, and load the van.
And when Ryan and I went on road trips, I read the map and gave him directions. He trusted me with this. He drove and I handled the kids needs as we drove.
Now I am driving, following directions from MapQuest and a tomtom, pumping gas at the service stations, keeping the kids happy meals straight, disciplining in the car, etc. Caleb has been good at getting the DVD player going for the kids in the back seat, and handing out snacks and juice cups. But by the time we get to our destination, unload the car, play in the pool, eat, bedtime, I am exhausted.
I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I am tired. The kids are tired. We are all dealing with underlying anger that breaks out in melt downs and short tempers. It’s not pretty, and it’s not normal. I keep hoping and praying it is only for a season and then we will establish a new normal.
I am asking more of all the kids. Seth (4) and Chloe (almost 3) need to be more patient and wait for mommy to finish what she is doing before she can get their snack or juice cup. Caleb (8) and Levi (6) are learning to roll their suitcases and help me unload the car. I’m trying not to add responsibilities that they are capable of all at once, just slowly, but they don’t have the energy to be more helpful as they did before.
Realizing that all of this is normal for grieving families is not all that comforting to me. I know how good we were as a family before the accident. And I want it back. I don’t like to see my kids melting down over little things that they would have shrugged off 2 months ago. When it happens in the grocery story, I want to tell people around me that they just lost their father and that my kids don’t usually act like this. I know I could tell people our news, but even that is tiring.
Something else I am struggling with is that I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring on Valentine’s Day this year. Ryan was going to replace it. But if he can’t pick out a new diamond for me, then I don’t want one. But I miss wearing my wedding ring. I want to take it a jeweler in MI and see if we can take the prongs out and make it into some kind of wedding band. I am wearing Ryan’s wedding band on my necklace. It’s hanging next to my pendant that has all my kids birthstones set in it. I wear it every day. But I want people to be able to look down at my left hand and see a wedding band. My husband didn’t leave me with 4 kids, he died. And that is a big comfort that I want strangers to realize. I still feel married. But I am a single mom.
Well that felt good to write, I realize these emails turn out very personal but people’s response is positive. So if I am able, I will let you see into my heart about certain things.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Travel plans for Sept.-Nov. in the USA
Hi Everybody,
Ryan’s service here in Kenya was on August 15. It was good.
We are planning our trip to the states and I can share some of those dates.
We fly from Nairobi to North Carolina on September 2 and 3. Ryan’s parents live in Garner, NC. This is our first trip without Ryan. Our kids are Caleb age 8, Levi age 6, Seth age 4, and Chloe is almost 3. I hope and pray the three airplane rides and two layovers go smoothly.
My in-laws are lending me their van and we are driving to FL on September 18 to attend Frank Toews Memorial Service in Leesburg on the 19th. My sisters, Diane and Debra, are flying in on Wednesday the 23rd . Friends of ours, the Williamsons, have opened up their home to us. On the 24th we are going to Disney! Diane, Debra, 4 kids, and myself. A dear friend who I have yet to meet is giving me 5 tickets. My parents and In-laws arrive on the 25th and Ryan’s Florida Memorial Service will be on Saturday the 26th.
First Baptist Church of Oviedo
45 W Broadway
Oviedo FL 32765
I’ll let you know the time when it’s decided.
First Baptist is Ryan and I’s home church. I am looking forward to worshipping with them on the 27th. We will drive back to NC on the 28th.
October 1 is Chloe’s 3rd birthday, we will probably fly from NC to NY and spend a few days at AIM’s office in Pearl River. On October 4 we will probably fly to MI to be with my family. On Saturday, October 10 we will have another Memorial Service in Holland. I am still deciding on the venue and time. October 14 would have been Ryan and I’s 9th anniversary.
Sometime in the middle of October, Tiffany (Frank’s wife who also died in the crash and one of my best friends) are being whisked away. Just the two of us (and none of our 8 kids) are going on a retreat. Our counseling center here in Nairobi is planning a special retreat for us. We asked them to plan it for us while we are in the states. So far they have 3 options for us to consider, in MI and PA. Tiffany and I want to grieve well and are open to receiving all the help we can get to do this. I am looking forward to it already, for a safe place to laugh and grieve with my friend.
On October 28, me and the kids are off on another road trip to Wausau WI to spend a long weekend with my brother and sister-in-law and their 3 kids. We drive back to MI on November 2. Sometime that week, we will fly back to NC and spend those last days seeing Ryan’s family before we fly to our home in Nairobi on November 17 and 18.
After all these flights and road trips, I hope I will have started adjusting to traveling with 4 small kids and no husband. I am not looking forward to it, and hope I have the freedom to cry and be mad when I need to. But I also hope we can have A LOT of fun.
I shared a lot of details. I hope you print this up and post it on your refrigerator or place it in your Bible and pray for us on each day, knowing what we are doing on those days. When I have the domestic flights, I’ll clarify those dates for you.
Thanks
Dawn and the 4 kiddos.
Ps. We are returning to Kenya, I will share more about that in the future. But I am certain that God wants us here and he will supply a ministry for me. I have some good possibilities already to consider.
Pss. I share a lot of daily information on Face book. Please find me as your friend and keep up more regularly with what those crazy, adventurous Williams are up to next.
Ryan’s service here in Kenya was on August 15. It was good.
We are planning our trip to the states and I can share some of those dates.
We fly from Nairobi to North Carolina on September 2 and 3. Ryan’s parents live in Garner, NC. This is our first trip without Ryan. Our kids are Caleb age 8, Levi age 6, Seth age 4, and Chloe is almost 3. I hope and pray the three airplane rides and two layovers go smoothly.
My in-laws are lending me their van and we are driving to FL on September 18 to attend Frank Toews Memorial Service in Leesburg on the 19th. My sisters, Diane and Debra, are flying in on Wednesday the 23rd . Friends of ours, the Williamsons, have opened up their home to us. On the 24th we are going to Disney! Diane, Debra, 4 kids, and myself. A dear friend who I have yet to meet is giving me 5 tickets. My parents and In-laws arrive on the 25th and Ryan’s Florida Memorial Service will be on Saturday the 26th.
First Baptist Church of Oviedo
45 W Broadway
Oviedo FL 32765
I’ll let you know the time when it’s decided.
First Baptist is Ryan and I’s home church. I am looking forward to worshipping with them on the 27th. We will drive back to NC on the 28th.
October 1 is Chloe’s 3rd birthday, we will probably fly from NC to NY and spend a few days at AIM’s office in Pearl River. On October 4 we will probably fly to MI to be with my family. On Saturday, October 10 we will have another Memorial Service in Holland. I am still deciding on the venue and time. October 14 would have been Ryan and I’s 9th anniversary.
Sometime in the middle of October, Tiffany (Frank’s wife who also died in the crash and one of my best friends) are being whisked away. Just the two of us (and none of our 8 kids) are going on a retreat. Our counseling center here in Nairobi is planning a special retreat for us. We asked them to plan it for us while we are in the states. So far they have 3 options for us to consider, in MI and PA. Tiffany and I want to grieve well and are open to receiving all the help we can get to do this. I am looking forward to it already, for a safe place to laugh and grieve with my friend.
On October 28, me and the kids are off on another road trip to Wausau WI to spend a long weekend with my brother and sister-in-law and their 3 kids. We drive back to MI on November 2. Sometime that week, we will fly back to NC and spend those last days seeing Ryan’s family before we fly to our home in Nairobi on November 17 and 18.
After all these flights and road trips, I hope I will have started adjusting to traveling with 4 small kids and no husband. I am not looking forward to it, and hope I have the freedom to cry and be mad when I need to. But I also hope we can have A LOT of fun.
I shared a lot of details. I hope you print this up and post it on your refrigerator or place it in your Bible and pray for us on each day, knowing what we are doing on those days. When I have the domestic flights, I’ll clarify those dates for you.
Thanks
Dawn and the 4 kiddos.
Ps. We are returning to Kenya, I will share more about that in the future. But I am certain that God wants us here and he will supply a ministry for me. I have some good possibilities already to consider.
Pss. I share a lot of daily information on Face book. Please find me as your friend and keep up more regularly with what those crazy, adventurous Williams are up to next.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Breakfast in the game park
On May 2, we took the kids and my parents to the Nairobi game park for a late breakfast.
Ryan and the boys looking for hippos or anything else intersting.
We found a great place to make a picnic breakfast without any baboons to disturb us. It was up on a ridge, so the kids looked for animals with the binnoculars.
Ryan set up his ancient Coleman camp stove and we fried bacon and eggs.
Oma looking out at the view with Seth and Chloe.
Ryan and the boys looking for hippos or anything else intersting.
We found a great place to make a picnic breakfast without any baboons to disturb us. It was up on a ridge, so the kids looked for animals with the binnoculars.
Ryan set up his ancient Coleman camp stove and we fried bacon and eggs.
Oma looking out at the view with Seth and Chloe.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
One of many Tributes
This is written in the program for Ryan's service. Wish you could have been there.
Ryan loved to work on airplanes...
but in reality, anything that moved or made noise, he was into it. He was often doing something with a piki –his, yours, anybody who needed a hand doing something, he was there giving his time and his ability with no questions asked. You could find him tinkering at his toolbox with a toy helicopter for his boys, trying to make it fly again. Or one time, he was making a little kitchen for Chloe out of some odds and ends he had picked up around town. There was even a time he was trying to get this ancient looking juicer going again for Dawn. He hauled it down to the Industrial Area and back again a couple times, trying to get it working again. Now, his toolbox sits silently in the corner of the hangar, a vacant reminder of a man gifted in many ways, a man who will be greatly missed.
He was a great mentor to many people who worked alongside of him in the hangar. He took the time to teach a young mechanic how to do a specific task, and then helped along the way when questions arose. He loved to do sheetmetal; there was no project that he would do that came out with bad results. He cared about the work that he did and took pride in keeping those airplanes flying safely. It was not a matter of working just to do work, but doing work that would honor the Lord. His heart burned for not only for the work of aircraft maintenance, but for the work that AIM AIR took part in throughout Kenya and East Africa. He served his Lord well so that others could also serve through medical missions, church planting, famine relief, Bible translation, and a host of other ministries.
His ministries were not only limited to AIM AIR, however. He was fully involved in his local church and took seriously the call to be God’s witness throughout the remotest parts of the earth. He tirelessly gave his time and his abilities to help with famine relief throughout the Ukambani region. At least one Saturday a month for the past several months, he spent all day driving his van full of people all over that region, helping to distribute food to people who just don’t have anything due to the famine in Kenya. Most people complain about being stuck in traffic in Nairobi for an hour; he never complained about being hot and sweaty and stinky in a van for twelve hours out in the middle of nowhere.
Most importantly, though, he loved his Lord and he loved his family. While he loved working on airplanes, his heart was always longing to be at home with his wife Dawn and his four children – Caleb, Levi, Seth, and Chloe. You knew he loved his family; it was most evident to us in the hangar around the kids’ birthdays. They would show up with him and spend “a day with Dad at work.” He would let them turn wrenches with him and go for an engine run on one of the 206s. They would ride on the dispatch bicycles down the ramp to look at all the other airplanes. They would go and get Kenyan food, because his boys love it so much, even if he wasn’t really in the mood for it that day. Meeting Dawn was perhaps the best thing to happen to him; they met here in Kenya, both doing the Lord’s work. She has been a helpmeet and a strong support for him; even after he joined Frank in glory, so many have marveled at the inner strength she has displayed. Whether it was fixing her juicer or taking her to a movie where they were the only ones in the theater, he loved his wife and cared for her with utmost attention.
This is the testimony of Ryan Williams, that he loved his Lord without reservation. He followed God’s leading and when the time came, he gave his all for the sake of the Gospel. God called his friend Frank Toews home immediately; Ryan, He chose to wait a little bit before calling him home. We don't know why, but He has a reason. We can just imagine that when Ryan entered His Savior's arms, he heard that big laugh of Frank in the background. So now Ryan has joined that great cloud of witnesses that Scripture talks about. We look forward to the day when we shall see our beloved husband, father, son, brother, and friend again, but for now, we must continue on in our journey. God has called each one of us for a special purpose. As Ryan stepped out into glory, we must step up into his place and continue to carry the Gospel to those who still have not heard. Human minds cannot conceive what lies ahead...but God knows. With that knowledge, we must rest in the loving arms of the Savior, arms that also hold our beloved Ryan with Him in glory.
Written by Nathan Roberts
Ryan loved to work on airplanes...
but in reality, anything that moved or made noise, he was into it. He was often doing something with a piki –his, yours, anybody who needed a hand doing something, he was there giving his time and his ability with no questions asked. You could find him tinkering at his toolbox with a toy helicopter for his boys, trying to make it fly again. Or one time, he was making a little kitchen for Chloe out of some odds and ends he had picked up around town. There was even a time he was trying to get this ancient looking juicer going again for Dawn. He hauled it down to the Industrial Area and back again a couple times, trying to get it working again. Now, his toolbox sits silently in the corner of the hangar, a vacant reminder of a man gifted in many ways, a man who will be greatly missed.
He was a great mentor to many people who worked alongside of him in the hangar. He took the time to teach a young mechanic how to do a specific task, and then helped along the way when questions arose. He loved to do sheetmetal; there was no project that he would do that came out with bad results. He cared about the work that he did and took pride in keeping those airplanes flying safely. It was not a matter of working just to do work, but doing work that would honor the Lord. His heart burned for not only for the work of aircraft maintenance, but for the work that AIM AIR took part in throughout Kenya and East Africa. He served his Lord well so that others could also serve through medical missions, church planting, famine relief, Bible translation, and a host of other ministries.
His ministries were not only limited to AIM AIR, however. He was fully involved in his local church and took seriously the call to be God’s witness throughout the remotest parts of the earth. He tirelessly gave his time and his abilities to help with famine relief throughout the Ukambani region. At least one Saturday a month for the past several months, he spent all day driving his van full of people all over that region, helping to distribute food to people who just don’t have anything due to the famine in Kenya. Most people complain about being stuck in traffic in Nairobi for an hour; he never complained about being hot and sweaty and stinky in a van for twelve hours out in the middle of nowhere.
Most importantly, though, he loved his Lord and he loved his family. While he loved working on airplanes, his heart was always longing to be at home with his wife Dawn and his four children – Caleb, Levi, Seth, and Chloe. You knew he loved his family; it was most evident to us in the hangar around the kids’ birthdays. They would show up with him and spend “a day with Dad at work.” He would let them turn wrenches with him and go for an engine run on one of the 206s. They would ride on the dispatch bicycles down the ramp to look at all the other airplanes. They would go and get Kenyan food, because his boys love it so much, even if he wasn’t really in the mood for it that day. Meeting Dawn was perhaps the best thing to happen to him; they met here in Kenya, both doing the Lord’s work. She has been a helpmeet and a strong support for him; even after he joined Frank in glory, so many have marveled at the inner strength she has displayed. Whether it was fixing her juicer or taking her to a movie where they were the only ones in the theater, he loved his wife and cared for her with utmost attention.
This is the testimony of Ryan Williams, that he loved his Lord without reservation. He followed God’s leading and when the time came, he gave his all for the sake of the Gospel. God called his friend Frank Toews home immediately; Ryan, He chose to wait a little bit before calling him home. We don't know why, but He has a reason. We can just imagine that when Ryan entered His Savior's arms, he heard that big laugh of Frank in the background. So now Ryan has joined that great cloud of witnesses that Scripture talks about. We look forward to the day when we shall see our beloved husband, father, son, brother, and friend again, but for now, we must continue on in our journey. God has called each one of us for a special purpose. As Ryan stepped out into glory, we must step up into his place and continue to carry the Gospel to those who still have not heard. Human minds cannot conceive what lies ahead...but God knows. With that knowledge, we must rest in the loving arms of the Savior, arms that also hold our beloved Ryan with Him in glory.
Written by Nathan Roberts
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Life between Ryan's death and his memorial service
Hi Friends,
A nice article was placed in the paper of Holland MI, where I grew up. I’ve sent the link.
I went to Frank’s memorial service on Tuesday. His life glorified God and the service honored the man Frank was.
Now I am in the middle of planning Ryan’s service for Saturday. My pastor is working on the service. I’ve asked several people to share memories of Ryan. Our media team is putting together a video to be shown at the service, and countless other details are being attended too.
The kids are doing well enough. I think they are in shock and disbelief, grieving appropriately. Chloe and Seth can tell me that daddy died, but don’t really understand. Caleb and Levi understand much more.
I’m tired. Last week was consumed with supporting Tiffany as she grieved for Frank, visiting Ryan in the hospital and being his advocate, and trying to keep my kids needs met. This week is grieving, accepting help from both my parents and Ryan’s parents who are all here, and being loved by my missionary family. I would say I am in denial. I know it’s true, but I can’t believe it deep down inside. I’m not looking for him, but have been too surrounded by people to feel lonely yet.
In South Africa, I was able to spend as much time as I needed with the body that Ryan left behind. I truly was able to say good-bye and grieve then. His memorial service will be videoed, I think this will be important for the kids to see again as they get older. To hear what others said about their dad. Right now I’m not nervous about Saturday. I don’t care if I stay strong or if I break down and weep. Both are ok with me.
Next week I will return to the job of getting Chloe’s paperwork finished. That kind of went on hold when I flew to SA on Friday, I didn’t get there in time to see him alive but am so glad I got to see him one last time. The coffin is sealed now, so that was my last time. And this week, I needed to take a week off from adoption. I don’t see any problems ahead with our traveling to the USA in the next few weeks. I hope to have two more memorial services, one in Florida and one in Michigan. I will keep you posted.
Then in October or November me and the kids plan to return to Kenya to finish this term. Our Home Assignment is still planned for March 2010. We will be spending one year in the states, as Ryan and I had originally planned. Then I feel I will be able to make better decisions about what my ministry might look like when we come back to Kenya. Ryan and I talked a lot about what we each would do if we lost each other. And we both wanted to remain on the field because we both felt called to missions. AIM is very supportive and willing to work with me on that.
Thanks for all your prayers, believe me, I feel them.
Dawn
http://www.hollandsentinel.com/lifestyle_religion/x1528790702/Holland-mom-widowed-after-missionary-plane-crashes-in-Africa
Monday, August 10, 2009
A friends perspective of Ryan
My girl friend (college roommate) wrote this. I edited a few things but otherwise it is from her perspective, and I like it very much.
From Lisa Van Zoest:
I am at Dan's office today (on Aug. 8), with a need just to absorb and to process what has happened. I invite you today to remember Ryan and Dawn's life and their impact on our own with me. I have a pile of toilet paper next to me on the desk, as I know that this will not be easy. But, the mental health professional in me knows that it is necessary.
We do not currently have internet working at our house, so it has been difficult to keep up to date with what has been happening with Ryan since we arrived in Nicaragua. So, the last we were able to check was yesterday morning. At that time we picked up the message from Dawn saying that Ryan was "unstable" which was "very concerning". This morning, as I was waking up, Ryan was on my mind as he has been all week as I wake up. But, this morning was different. It felt to me that something was very wrong and I began praying with passion that God would save his life. After a few minutes of pleading with God, the thought occurred to me that if Ryan were to live, he would need to endure and work through a great deal of physical, emotional, and mental pain here on this earth. With that thought, I was able to surrender and ended my prayer with "not my will Father, but yours be done."
From there, I got up and asked Dan if he would check face book for me. He left the house to find an internet connection and when he came back, he said, "he passed away". These are just words a person is never ready to hear no matter how much you expect that it is a possibility. The kids were asking me questions shortly after I received this news, and I would look at them blankly and could not focus on what they were saying. I thought about Dawn and how she has four pairs of eyes looking up at her, asking questions that are so much more profound than, "Mom, could you cut my bagel?"
I've been reviewing in my mind throughout today the ways in which God used both Ryan and Dawn to influence our lives in regard to living lives of surrender to whatever God calls us to do – regardless of the cost. Dawn's call to missions came when she was just a little girl – I think she was 5 – and throughout her life, she was surrendered to this call. She went to Calvin College and graduated with a nursing degree and then worked for a few years in Grand Rapids before heading to Tanzania, Africa to be a single missionary nurse. I remember rooming with her at Calvin College and noticing that she was very faithful about her time with the Lord. I did not have a regular time with God at that time, and it impressed me that she was so committed to that time. I even remember one time she had gotten in bed and then realized that she had not had her time with God. She got out of bed and got her Bible – it did not seem to be a duty, but a genuine desire to spend time with the One that she loved and who loved her.
Whenever Dawn would come back from Africa, the roommates who lived in Grand Rapids (there were six of us who roomed together at Calvin, but we were not all in the GR area after graduation) would get together and listen to Dawns stories of adventure. When we were all in our late 20's, I remember getting together with Dawn and the roommates at a restaurant. All of us, but Dawn, were married by this time and I remember Dawn expressing her desire to be married as well. She asked if we would pray for God to give her a husband. I remember thinking, "I will pray, but this seems quite impossible." All I saw were the barriers: 1) Dawn desired to be married to someone who had a passion for full-time missions which narrowed the pool of options in the US. 2) Dawn lived in a remote village with few other single male missionaries to choose from. Little did I know that "nothing is impossible with God".
Ryan traveled to Africa with a short term team and was given the assignment to (I'm a little fuzzy on the actual thing he was fixing) but I think it was a well. I just remember Dawn telling me that the first time she saw Ryan, he was covered in mud from head to toe. Ryan was only in her village for part of that day and I remember her saying that after she met him, she got on her knees in her bedroom and prayed – I think she prayed because she really thought that he could be the one and she just needed to give it to God! Again, details are fuzzy, but it seems to me that they ended up needing to travel together somewhere that day, just the two of them. The short story is that they fell in love and soon were married. God had given her a husband in answer to her and our prayers. I remember how all six of us roommates were at Dawn and Ryan's wedding – so fun. The interesting thing was that five of us were in different stages of pregnancy and Dawn was soon to be pregnant (Dawn and Ryan found out soon after their honeymoon that they were expecting!).
I remember their first visit to our home in Cedar Rapids when Caleb was a baby. They were on furlough traveling to churches and working on raising support to serve with AIM. We asked our church, Peace CRC Church, if Dawn and Ryan could speak at the evening service and they did. Following their time at Peace CRC, we planned to have a desert at our house for them to share more with those who were interested. I remember, prior to the church service, being so stressed about whether anyone would come to the desert, etc. I remember Dawn saying to me that it was really up to God if anyone would come and that I had no control over whether people would come or support them or whatever. Dawn has always been very blunt. God did lead one couple who attended the desert to financially support them. I remember talking with Ryan and Dawn during that visit about support raising because this process was so foreign to us. I remember Ryan talking about how much more you come to know God as your Provider when you are completely dependent on Him in this way. As he talked about this, I remember feeling like we were missing out on something. His comment has rung in my ears for many years. It was a year or two later when God led us to raise support to be a part of the ministry of FamilyLife. It was then that I really understood what he was talking about.
Ryan and Dawn had another son, Levi, and then little Seth. Prior to Seth's birth, Ryan and Dawn were debating about whether to have him in Africa or to travel back to the US. It could have been that they were close to furlough, I can't quite remember. Anyway, they felt most at peace about having him in the US and so they traveled back. A week or so after Seth's birth, Dawn felt sick with flu like symptoms. She was eventually hospitalized and doctors were scrambling to figure out what was going on because her condition quickly became critical. At first they wondered whether they were dealing with a tropical illness, but later determined that it was her appendix. By this time, her appendix had ruptured and she was at times close to death. I remember talking with her on the phone while she was in the hospital and I remember that I did not know what to say. I remember just listening and choking back tears as I listened to her weakened voice share with me the Bible verses people were sending her and how she was encouraged by them. Dawn was in the hospital for 6 weeks right after Seth was born and grieved missing his sweet infancy, their other little boys being old enough to know that Mommy was very sick. I remember talking with Ryan on the phone at that time too and he sounded depressed and distant, as one would imagine.
By God's amazing grace, Dawn made a full recovery. Ryan and Dawn came to visit us when Seth was around 3 or 4 months old. I remember Dawn saying during our visit that she was ready to have another baby. I then remember Ryan quickly saying, "we are NOT having another baby." We all laughed, but I was also just inspired by Dawn's courage. This particular visit occurred shortly after our withdrawal from FamilyLife. Dan and I were in a lot of pain at that time, really grieving. Ryan and Dawn listened and encouraged. I remember that during this visit, our conversations with Ryan and Dawn would often turn to cross-cultural missions and at this time we were not just asking about their lives, but also thinking and praying through whether this was God's call on our own lives. Ryan gave us some information to look through and really challenged and encouraged us to take the promptings we were receiving seriously. I remember standing with Ryan and Dawn at our front door and before they walked out of our home, I said to them, "You guys inspire us." I remember Ryan just smiling back. This was the last time we saw him. When Ryan and Dawn learned of our pursuing a call to Nicaragua, they were among the first to send in financial support. They encouraged us at the beginning of the support raising process by their giving and have reminded us by their example to continue to give generously as we receive generously.
This past month or so Dawn has been sending us updates about their adoption of Chloe. Chloe is a beautiful little African girl that they have been in the process of adopting. She has been living with them and has been a part of their family for the past few years. There was no guarantee that the adoption would go through and Ryan and Dawn's family were unable to leave Africa with her until her adoption was complete. So, Ryan and Dawn have not been back in the States for 3 1/2 years. Just a few weeks ago, Dawn was excited to share that Chloe's adoption was complete and that they just needed to work on getting her VISA before they returned to the States for furlough. Dawn and I emailed a bit about plans to get all the roommates and our families together next summer when she and Ryan would be in the States (we have never all been together with our kids and husbands before).
On Wednesday, August 5, Ryan was transported from the hospital in Kenya to a hospital in Johannesburg, South Africa that specializes in burn care. Dawn stayed back in Kenya to finalize the details of Chloe's travel VISA which she needed in order to take her with her. She wrote that the US embassy was very helpful and they were able to get it within in a couple of days. However, on Aug. 7, Dawn learned of Ryan's death as she boarded the plane to fly to Johannesburg to be with him. Dawn's face book entry reads, "My husband Ryan died Friday morning from injuries sustained in an airplane crash. He lived one week after the accident. I got to see him many times before he died. We are well. It is well with my soul." Dawn, my dear friend, you continue to inspire and challenge me with your resolve to surrender and trust and live a life of gratitude. I love you so much.
The evening of Aug. 8, I asked Will as I was tucking him into bed, "Would you like to pray for Ryan and Dawn's family, or would you like me to? He said, "How about you pray for them and I will pray for you." He prayed, "Dear God, please help Mom to think clearly. Please help her to be sad. And please help her to be happy that Ryan is in heaven with you."
Sunday morning in church we sang a song with lyrics that at one point repeat the phrase, "I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive." I felt anger and guilt rise in my heart as I thought, "yes, I am alive but Ryan is not." My thoughts were interrupted by God's whisper, "Lisa, Ryan is more alive than you are." Yes Lord, Will is right – we can be happy for Ryan, for how he is with you and for how he is more alive than we will ever be here on earth.
From Lisa Van Zoest:
I am at Dan's office today (on Aug. 8), with a need just to absorb and to process what has happened. I invite you today to remember Ryan and Dawn's life and their impact on our own with me. I have a pile of toilet paper next to me on the desk, as I know that this will not be easy. But, the mental health professional in me knows that it is necessary.
We do not currently have internet working at our house, so it has been difficult to keep up to date with what has been happening with Ryan since we arrived in Nicaragua. So, the last we were able to check was yesterday morning. At that time we picked up the message from Dawn saying that Ryan was "unstable" which was "very concerning". This morning, as I was waking up, Ryan was on my mind as he has been all week as I wake up. But, this morning was different. It felt to me that something was very wrong and I began praying with passion that God would save his life. After a few minutes of pleading with God, the thought occurred to me that if Ryan were to live, he would need to endure and work through a great deal of physical, emotional, and mental pain here on this earth. With that thought, I was able to surrender and ended my prayer with "not my will Father, but yours be done."
From there, I got up and asked Dan if he would check face book for me. He left the house to find an internet connection and when he came back, he said, "he passed away". These are just words a person is never ready to hear no matter how much you expect that it is a possibility. The kids were asking me questions shortly after I received this news, and I would look at them blankly and could not focus on what they were saying. I thought about Dawn and how she has four pairs of eyes looking up at her, asking questions that are so much more profound than, "Mom, could you cut my bagel?"
I've been reviewing in my mind throughout today the ways in which God used both Ryan and Dawn to influence our lives in regard to living lives of surrender to whatever God calls us to do – regardless of the cost. Dawn's call to missions came when she was just a little girl – I think she was 5 – and throughout her life, she was surrendered to this call. She went to Calvin College and graduated with a nursing degree and then worked for a few years in Grand Rapids before heading to Tanzania, Africa to be a single missionary nurse. I remember rooming with her at Calvin College and noticing that she was very faithful about her time with the Lord. I did not have a regular time with God at that time, and it impressed me that she was so committed to that time. I even remember one time she had gotten in bed and then realized that she had not had her time with God. She got out of bed and got her Bible – it did not seem to be a duty, but a genuine desire to spend time with the One that she loved and who loved her.
Whenever Dawn would come back from Africa, the roommates who lived in Grand Rapids (there were six of us who roomed together at Calvin, but we were not all in the GR area after graduation) would get together and listen to Dawns stories of adventure. When we were all in our late 20's, I remember getting together with Dawn and the roommates at a restaurant. All of us, but Dawn, were married by this time and I remember Dawn expressing her desire to be married as well. She asked if we would pray for God to give her a husband. I remember thinking, "I will pray, but this seems quite impossible." All I saw were the barriers: 1) Dawn desired to be married to someone who had a passion for full-time missions which narrowed the pool of options in the US. 2) Dawn lived in a remote village with few other single male missionaries to choose from. Little did I know that "nothing is impossible with God".
Ryan traveled to Africa with a short term team and was given the assignment to (I'm a little fuzzy on the actual thing he was fixing) but I think it was a well. I just remember Dawn telling me that the first time she saw Ryan, he was covered in mud from head to toe. Ryan was only in her village for part of that day and I remember her saying that after she met him, she got on her knees in her bedroom and prayed – I think she prayed because she really thought that he could be the one and she just needed to give it to God! Again, details are fuzzy, but it seems to me that they ended up needing to travel together somewhere that day, just the two of them. The short story is that they fell in love and soon were married. God had given her a husband in answer to her and our prayers. I remember how all six of us roommates were at Dawn and Ryan's wedding – so fun. The interesting thing was that five of us were in different stages of pregnancy and Dawn was soon to be pregnant (Dawn and Ryan found out soon after their honeymoon that they were expecting!).
I remember their first visit to our home in Cedar Rapids when Caleb was a baby. They were on furlough traveling to churches and working on raising support to serve with AIM. We asked our church, Peace CRC Church, if Dawn and Ryan could speak at the evening service and they did. Following their time at Peace CRC, we planned to have a desert at our house for them to share more with those who were interested. I remember, prior to the church service, being so stressed about whether anyone would come to the desert, etc. I remember Dawn saying to me that it was really up to God if anyone would come and that I had no control over whether people would come or support them or whatever. Dawn has always been very blunt. God did lead one couple who attended the desert to financially support them. I remember talking with Ryan and Dawn during that visit about support raising because this process was so foreign to us. I remember Ryan talking about how much more you come to know God as your Provider when you are completely dependent on Him in this way. As he talked about this, I remember feeling like we were missing out on something. His comment has rung in my ears for many years. It was a year or two later when God led us to raise support to be a part of the ministry of FamilyLife. It was then that I really understood what he was talking about.
Ryan and Dawn had another son, Levi, and then little Seth. Prior to Seth's birth, Ryan and Dawn were debating about whether to have him in Africa or to travel back to the US. It could have been that they were close to furlough, I can't quite remember. Anyway, they felt most at peace about having him in the US and so they traveled back. A week or so after Seth's birth, Dawn felt sick with flu like symptoms. She was eventually hospitalized and doctors were scrambling to figure out what was going on because her condition quickly became critical. At first they wondered whether they were dealing with a tropical illness, but later determined that it was her appendix. By this time, her appendix had ruptured and she was at times close to death. I remember talking with her on the phone while she was in the hospital and I remember that I did not know what to say. I remember just listening and choking back tears as I listened to her weakened voice share with me the Bible verses people were sending her and how she was encouraged by them. Dawn was in the hospital for 6 weeks right after Seth was born and grieved missing his sweet infancy, their other little boys being old enough to know that Mommy was very sick. I remember talking with Ryan on the phone at that time too and he sounded depressed and distant, as one would imagine.
By God's amazing grace, Dawn made a full recovery. Ryan and Dawn came to visit us when Seth was around 3 or 4 months old. I remember Dawn saying during our visit that she was ready to have another baby. I then remember Ryan quickly saying, "we are NOT having another baby." We all laughed, but I was also just inspired by Dawn's courage. This particular visit occurred shortly after our withdrawal from FamilyLife. Dan and I were in a lot of pain at that time, really grieving. Ryan and Dawn listened and encouraged. I remember that during this visit, our conversations with Ryan and Dawn would often turn to cross-cultural missions and at this time we were not just asking about their lives, but also thinking and praying through whether this was God's call on our own lives. Ryan gave us some information to look through and really challenged and encouraged us to take the promptings we were receiving seriously. I remember standing with Ryan and Dawn at our front door and before they walked out of our home, I said to them, "You guys inspire us." I remember Ryan just smiling back. This was the last time we saw him. When Ryan and Dawn learned of our pursuing a call to Nicaragua, they were among the first to send in financial support. They encouraged us at the beginning of the support raising process by their giving and have reminded us by their example to continue to give generously as we receive generously.
This past month or so Dawn has been sending us updates about their adoption of Chloe. Chloe is a beautiful little African girl that they have been in the process of adopting. She has been living with them and has been a part of their family for the past few years. There was no guarantee that the adoption would go through and Ryan and Dawn's family were unable to leave Africa with her until her adoption was complete. So, Ryan and Dawn have not been back in the States for 3 1/2 years. Just a few weeks ago, Dawn was excited to share that Chloe's adoption was complete and that they just needed to work on getting her VISA before they returned to the States for furlough. Dawn and I emailed a bit about plans to get all the roommates and our families together next summer when she and Ryan would be in the States (we have never all been together with our kids and husbands before).
On Wednesday, August 5, Ryan was transported from the hospital in Kenya to a hospital in Johannesburg, South Africa that specializes in burn care. Dawn stayed back in Kenya to finalize the details of Chloe's travel VISA which she needed in order to take her with her. She wrote that the US embassy was very helpful and they were able to get it within in a couple of days. However, on Aug. 7, Dawn learned of Ryan's death as she boarded the plane to fly to Johannesburg to be with him. Dawn's face book entry reads, "My husband Ryan died Friday morning from injuries sustained in an airplane crash. He lived one week after the accident. I got to see him many times before he died. We are well. It is well with my soul." Dawn, my dear friend, you continue to inspire and challenge me with your resolve to surrender and trust and live a life of gratitude. I love you so much.
The evening of Aug. 8, I asked Will as I was tucking him into bed, "Would you like to pray for Ryan and Dawn's family, or would you like me to? He said, "How about you pray for them and I will pray for you." He prayed, "Dear God, please help Mom to think clearly. Please help her to be sad. And please help her to be happy that Ryan is in heaven with you."
Sunday morning in church we sang a song with lyrics that at one point repeat the phrase, "I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive." I felt anger and guilt rise in my heart as I thought, "yes, I am alive but Ryan is not." My thoughts were interrupted by God's whisper, "Lisa, Ryan is more alive than you are." Yes Lord, Will is right – we can be happy for Ryan, for how he is with you and for how he is more alive than we will ever be here on earth.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Eldama Ravine
In March, we took a 5 night long weekend and went to Eldama Ravine. It's a town where a missionary family was given a piece of land which they turned into a farm. They also built cabins for missionaries to 'get away'. The cabins are very rustic, and creaky. The water is warmed by a wood burning stove system in the family room area. Power is on most of the time and they have a back up generator. We bring all our own food. Friends ask us what there is to do there and we reply "absolutely nothing". It's quiet and peaceful. We brought the kids bikes and they have an outside play area with a fort, slides, and swings. We take walks to the farm and check on the baby chicks. It meets our need to get out of Nairobi on a tight budget.
I made a special raspberry, cream cheese coffee cake which we devoured our first morning for breakfast.
Chloe at 2 1/2 years old. The kids got robes from the used clothes market. They enjoyed wearing them on the cold mornings.
Seth is 3 1/2 years old, he seems to be outgrowing his excema.
Levi is 5 1/2 years old.
Caleb at 7 1/2 years. He's lost two teeth.
The kids all fit in the tub. Everynight, Ryan built a fire in the wood burning water heater to heat water for baths, and it warmed up the cabin nicely. It got quite cold at night.
Chloe and Seth by the cow pasture, we saw a new born calf.
Ryan and Seth doing the dishes.
We ate lunch on the front porch every day.
Chloe napping in the tent. We could hear her snoring.
Ryan tented in front of the cabin, one night with each boy. Chloe took a nap one afternoon with daddy.
The boys and a packed to the gills van.
I made a special raspberry, cream cheese coffee cake which we devoured our first morning for breakfast.
Chloe at 2 1/2 years old. The kids got robes from the used clothes market. They enjoyed wearing them on the cold mornings.
Seth is 3 1/2 years old, he seems to be outgrowing his excema.
Levi is 5 1/2 years old.
Caleb at 7 1/2 years. He's lost two teeth.
The kids all fit in the tub. Everynight, Ryan built a fire in the wood burning water heater to heat water for baths, and it warmed up the cabin nicely. It got quite cold at night.
Chloe and Seth by the cow pasture, we saw a new born calf.
Ryan and Seth doing the dishes.
We ate lunch on the front porch every day.
Chloe napping in the tent. We could hear her snoring.
Ryan tented in front of the cabin, one night with each boy. Chloe took a nap one afternoon with daddy.
The boys and a packed to the gills van.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Rhymes and Stories by Caleb
A Number Rhyme
By Caleb Williams
One, two, the cow goes moo.
Three, four, the loose floor.
Five, six, make a mix.
Seven, eight, the apple he ate.
Nine, ten, get the wren.
Tucker Goes to the Vet.
By Caleb Williams
I am a vet. Here is a sick animal. It is a dog. It is Tucker. His foot is hurt. It has a thorn in it. I can cure it. I can take the thorn out. The End
February 12, 2009
By Caleb Williams
One, two, the cow goes moo.
Three, four, the loose floor.
Five, six, make a mix.
Seven, eight, the apple he ate.
Nine, ten, get the wren.
Tucker Goes to the Vet.
By Caleb Williams
I am a vet. Here is a sick animal. It is a dog. It is Tucker. His foot is hurt. It has a thorn in it. I can cure it. I can take the thorn out. The End
February 12, 2009
Thursday, February 05, 2009
The Village Celebration
Dictated by Caleb Williams
Long, long ago there lived a village. And one kid said, “Why don’t we have a wild boar tonight.” “Good idea,” said Avery and Caroline. So they went to catch a wild boar. So they went. They came back with a wild boar. And the village made a fire. And they cooked it. And it was turning night. So they started a celebration. And it was good. The End
February 5, 2009
Long, long ago there lived a village. And one kid said, “Why don’t we have a wild boar tonight.” “Good idea,” said Avery and Caroline. So they went to catch a wild boar. So they went. They came back with a wild boar. And the village made a fire. And they cooked it. And it was turning night. So they started a celebration. And it was good. The End
February 5, 2009
A Story about Bumble Bee
By Levi Williams
Once upon a time there was Bumble Bee. He saw a bad guy. So he decided to transform into a transformer. So he got his gun out. So he got tons of guns out. And the bad guy had two guns. So he fighted the bad guy. Who won? Bumble Bee won.
February 5, 2009
Once upon a time there was Bumble Bee. He saw a bad guy. So he decided to transform into a transformer. So he got his gun out. So he got tons of guns out. And the bad guy had two guns. So he fighted the bad guy. Who won? Bumble Bee won.
February 5, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Racing Contest, a story by Levi Williams
Levi is driving a racing car. Tucker is looking where Levi should go. And it’s a number 4 racing car. And Tucker found the way that Levi could go that was a short cut. And Tucker said, “Go left to the light.” And so Levi turned left at the light. So they won the race. So they won the only goodest piston cup. The End
January 22, 2009
Levi drew a picture of his racing car.
January 22, 2009
Levi drew a picture of his racing car.
Blasting of in Space, Space Camp and Space Dogs. A story by Caleb Williams
The space ship blasts off into outer space. It went far into the galaxy. And then it comes back. And sees a boy and a dog and their names were Caleb and Tucker. And it came back and landed where they were. The Captain said, “Come on board”. Caleb came on board. The Captain said, “Take the dog too”. The space ship blasted off into outer space.
They went to the moon. Tucker met some other dogs. And they played space dogs. And they were happy. The Captain decided to set up camp there. They had lots and lots of fun. And they lived happily ever after. The End
January 22, 2009
This story was prompted by a picture I showed Caleb.
They went to the moon. Tucker met some other dogs. And they played space dogs. And they were happy. The Captain decided to set up camp there. They had lots and lots of fun. And they lived happily ever after. The End
January 22, 2009
This story was prompted by a picture I showed Caleb.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Christmas 2008
Chloe's Second Christmas with us!
The kids got aprons and stockings that matched.
We've started collecting camp equipment, these are our new chairs.
Christmas breakfast is a special raspberry almond cream cheese coffe cake.
Christmas dinner we ate turkey and stuffing with the Gibsons.
We camped on the back yard with all the kids.
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