November 5, 2010
Dear Family and Friends,
I haven’t written a prayer letter in over a year although I’ve sent out many email updates. Thanks for being patient with me. I hope this gives you a glimpse into our first year without Ryan.
August 1, 2009 was a Saturday and Levi needed new jeans. We got a babysitter for Chloe and Seth so that we could take Caleb and Levi to the used clothes market. The market is one of the boy’s favorite places because we never know what we would find. Ryan knew that Frank had a short flight using one of the airplanes that Ryan maintains. After several phone calls trying to trouble shoot a problem, Ryan decided to go into the hangar and help Frank out. They ended up switching airplanes. It was to be a 30 minute flight around Nairobi and Ryan probably volunteered to wait until Frank returned and help him put the airplane away so both could get home to their families for the rest of the weekend. Knowing Frank, he probably asked Ryan to hop on board and see Nairobi from the air. That’s what Tiffany (Frank’s wife) and I think happened knowing our husbands the way we do.
Tiffany and I are neighbors, we both have 4 kids. She has 3 girls and then an adopted Kenyan son. I have 3 boys and an adopted Kenyan daughter. The similarities continue. We are the best of friends, closer now than ever.
During the flight, the airplane lost power and flipped as it landed. Frank was killed instantly, Ryan was seriously hurt, and the 2 passengers escaped with minor injuries. I was able to get to the hospital a half an hour before Ryan was put on a respirator. What a blessing it became that I could talk to him, even though he was in shock and the ER was chaotic. He made sure his wedding ring was not lost; we shared how much we loved each other and the kids. That was the last time he could talk to me. Within a couple of days, he was transferred to a South African Burn Unit. He died on August 7. My good friend Chris was with him when he went to heaven. She talked to him and sang to him and released him for me. Ryan would not have wanted me to leave the kids and be with him in South Africa until I could take the kids with me. I did fly down the day he died and said goodbye to his earthly body. Another blessing.
The next week we had memorial services for Frank and Ryan. Then we traveled to the states for 10 weeks to be with more friends and family as we grieved. We remembered Ryan in services in Michigan and Florida. In November we went home to Kenya. It was such a comfort to live there for 8 more months. Tiffany did the same and our lives continued to run parallel to each other. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but to travel this road with such a good friend is a relief. We can comfort each other like no one else can.
The holidays were tough but our missionary family surrounded us and loved us through it. I realized that I couldn’t continue to home school my kids. In January Caleb and Levi started at a missionary school which was a hard transition. We really liked home schooling.
Ryan and I had completed the Kenyan adoption process and Chloe is legally ours. But we needed to do the US citizen application through the Department of Home Land Security. When Ryan died, I became the primary applicant and had to start over with some major paperwork including our home study. This was deeply painful for me to do on my own. But it was approved May 7, 2010.
I spent all my time and energy on helping the kids with school, adoption paperwork, counseling for us all and putting our paperwork in order with me as a single mom. I was angry and I used my anger to energize me to get it done. The kids watched me put our personal possessions in storage and pack our suitcases to travel to the states for a year. Our year of Home Assignment (furlough) began in June 2010. We’ve earned a year because our term was over 4 years long.
Over the summer we stayed with my parents who took over meeting my kid’s needs so I could buy a house. It’s a nice house on a cul-da-sac in Zeeland MI. My kids had an amazing summer with lots of good memories with my parents. I worked hard to get our house furnished and we moved in on August 1. Two missionary families from Kenya came and spent the day with us and celebrated Caleb’s 9th birthday and Ryan’s 1st birthday in heaven.
At the end of the summer all my kids started school at Zeeland Christian School. Caleb is a second grader, Levi is in first grade, Seth is in Young Fives, and Chloe attends preschool. I feel like we are all trying so hard to make this work. And we are trying to grieve well. But we are deeply sad. To have 5 people grieving at the same time but each on our own journey makes our home life bumpy. We are all fragile and we melt down easily. It’s so good to let it out. We talk about Ryan as much as we want.
In October we all realized how homesick we are for Kenya. It makes sense since it’s been 5 months since we left. We miss our old house, friends, pets, and all that brings us familiarity with Ryan. And being homesick is something that most missionaries experience when they are on HA.
Taking care of my kids continues to be a full time job. My responsibilities as a missionary with Africa Inland Mission (AIM) are to visit churches and friends that support us. I prepared to visit churches and couldn’t do it. Something within me was deeply resistant. It’s Ryan. We enjoyed doing this together and its one more thing that I don’t want to do alone. But I’ve started and will continue to contact churches and friends. This letter is the next step of sharing what we did this last term.
Ryan and I served for over 7 years with AIM AIR, the aviation branch of AIM. Ryan accomplished his work as an aircraft mechanic with excellence and I am so proud of him. I loved being a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling our kids. I’d do it all over again if I had the chance.
That is our past and present. God continues to guide us. We will finish our HA in May 2011. AIM is encouraging me to take my time deciding about our future. One possibility that Ryan would have liked is to stay with AIM and work at Rift Valley Academy (RVA). This is a missionary boarding school an hour from where we currently live in Nairobi. The school has a Student Health Center which is in need of nurses that have their Kenyan Nursing Registration. I did the work of getting this registration when I first moved to Kenya as a single missionary and kept it current (like I do with my nursing license in the USA). We would move our personal belongings and a lot of our old memories to our new house on the school campus. I would walk to work and my kids would walk to class. It’s flexible and I would have the support of our house-help, Wanza, who wants to move with us. Wanza has been taking care of our family for 8 years and is more like an Aunt to my kids. She would bring some consistency to our lives.
A second option is to extend our stay in the states for a second year. This would give my kids two full years in the same school, same house, and being close to my family. After too many transitions, we need consistency and stability. AIM would change my status from being on Home Assignment to a Leave of Absence. I wouldn’t be receiving monthly support in this status, instead funds received through AIM would accrue until we went back to Kenya. Seth and Chloe will still be attending school only half days as a kindergartner and Young Fiver. I don’t know how I could work part time or full time and accommodate their schedule.
Really, it’s up to God to figure out. He took my husband to heaven and I am relying on him as never before to take care of me as a widow. And take care of my children who are fatherless. I don’t know what God is going to do. He might have a third option that he will not show me until it is time. Let’s hope so. Because I am tired of trying to figure it out. I can’t. It’s impossible.
Every day I feel like my life is impossible. I think, how am I going to do this? And yet the sun goes down only to rise again. Our ashes will be turned into something beautiful and our joy will come in the morning.
I’m not going to write out prayer praises and request. You are intuitive enough to read this and find what God wants you to pray for us. We will continue to need monthly financial support as long as we are with AIM. If our status with AIM changes, I will let you know. After Ryan’s death hundreds of people poured their love and concern on us by giving to a memorial fund that is through AIM. Thank you. This year, the last thing I want to worry about is money. And God is providing. We are about $500 under supported each month. If you would like to give, please contact me or AIM.
May God bless you and keep you, as he keeps me,
Dawn Williams
Africa Inland Mission
PO Box 178
Pearl River NY 10965
Phone # 1 (800) 254-0010
Dawn Williams
44 Winterhalder Dr.
Zeeland MI 49464
(616) 990-8181
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