Our Week in Florida

We are in Florida this week. Last weekend, we stayed with Tiffany and her kids. She is the wife of the pilot, Frank, who was killed. We attended a memorial service for Frank on Saturday. It hit me harder than I anticipated. I think I was over confident that I can handle it. I sobbed during the video tribute, thinking of all that Tiffany and I had lost. It was good to feel safe enough to cry.

On Monday the kids and I drove to the Orlando area and are staying with our friends, Rich and Sue Williamson, and their 3 kids. They have a pool! Oh joy for my kids. It is hot and humid here and they were sick of sitting in the car. After a good swim yesterday, they slept good last night.

Tuesday afternoon (today) I am meeting with Pastor Jim Wadley from our church to go over the plans for Ryan’s memorial service. The service will be this Saturday at First Baptist Church of Oviedo. This is the church that Ryan and I became members of when we lived here our first year of marriage. That was a good year and being back in the area brings back lots of good memories. I attended seminary while Ryan worked at a hangar in Sanford gaining experience as an airplane mechanic. Caleb was born here. This is our sending church.

Wednesday my 2 sisters fly in from MI. Diane and Debra are coming specifically to help with the kids. Debra left her husband and 2 kids behind. Diane got off from work just for me.

Thursday we go to Disney! Magic Kingdom here we come. I figure that Diane, Debra and I can handle 4 kids and have a good time. The tickets are a gift from friends as well as the hotel we will be staying at from Wednesday to Sunday.

Friday, we recover from Disney and play by the pool. My parents and my brother Dean are flying in from MI. We are looking forward to having our immediate family together plus my 4 kids. Dean’s wife Sarah stayed in WI with their 3 kids.

Ryan’s parents, his 2 sisters and their families will be staying in FL for the weekend with Ryan’s grandma.

Saturday at 11 am we have Ryan’s Memorial Service at First Baptist followed by a luncheon. If your coming, please stay for lunch. I heard we will be eating well. And this gives me a chance to say hi to people.

Sunday all of my family flies back to MI. Monday, I drive with my in laws back to NC.

So that is my week at a glance.

How are we?

Tired. We haven’t even been in the States a full 3 weeks yet and we are busy traveling all over the place. It would be overwhelming for us under normal conditions (Ryan still here). But on top of our grief, it is often too much. Ryan and I were a great team. I packed up the suitcases in an organized fashion. And he packed the van, knowing what needed to be easily available for me. He was always willing to pull out a bag or get something out of the cooler for me. Always for me in a way that made me feel special, at least most of the time. We did have our bickering moments too!

Now it’s all on me. On Monday, it took me almost 3 hours to fold the clean laundry, pack the suitcases, and load the van.

And when Ryan and I went on road trips, I read the map and gave him directions. He trusted me with this. He drove and I handled the kids needs as we drove.

Now I am driving, following directions from MapQuest and a tomtom, pumping gas at the service stations, keeping the kids happy meals straight, disciplining in the car, etc. Caleb has been good at getting the DVD player going for the kids in the back seat, and handing out snacks and juice cups. But by the time we get to our destination, unload the car, play in the pool, eat, bedtime, I am exhausted.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, but I am tired. The kids are tired. We are all dealing with underlying anger that breaks out in melt downs and short tempers. It’s not pretty, and it’s not normal. I keep hoping and praying it is only for a season and then we will establish a new normal.

I am asking more of all the kids. Seth (4) and Chloe (almost 3) need to be more patient and wait for mommy to finish what she is doing before she can get their snack or juice cup. Caleb (8) and Levi (6) are learning to roll their suitcases and help me unload the car. I’m trying not to add responsibilities that they are capable of all at once, just slowly, but they don’t have the energy to be more helpful as they did before.

Realizing that all of this is normal for grieving families is not all that comforting to me. I know how good we were as a family before the accident. And I want it back. I don’t like to see my kids melting down over little things that they would have shrugged off 2 months ago. When it happens in the grocery story, I want to tell people around me that they just lost their father and that my kids don’t usually act like this. I know I could tell people our news, but even that is tiring.

Something else I am struggling with is that I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring on Valentine’s Day this year. Ryan was going to replace it. But if he can’t pick out a new diamond for me, then I don’t want one. But I miss wearing my wedding ring. I want to take it a jeweler in MI and see if we can take the prongs out and make it into some kind of wedding band. I am wearing Ryan’s wedding band on my necklace. It’s hanging next to my pendant that has all my kids birthstones set in it. I wear it every day. But I want people to be able to look down at my left hand and see a wedding band. My husband didn’t leave me with 4 kids, he died. And that is a big comfort that I want strangers to realize. I still feel married. But I am a single mom.

Well that felt good to write, I realize these emails turn out very personal but people’s response is positive. So if I am able, I will let you see into my heart about certain things.